Briefs are a crime against manhood. We should ban them.

We should ban brief style men’s undergarments. ~

They’re killing our sperm and making our balls sag.

~ Here lies American male potency, 1610-2025 ~

This problem has become super serious.

The scrotum is an elegant and tissue system. Its purpose is simple. It regulates the temperature of our testicles by lifting them up closer to the warmth of our body, or sagging them down and away. The testicles are outside the body to begin with because the production of sperm occurred ideally at around 93°F, and the rest of our body operates ideally at around 98.6°F.

Supportive male undergarments, colloquially calmed briefs, fuck with this. We’ve known it for decades. The first time I learned it, I was reading an elementary school health class textbook. Briefs hold the balls up, robbing the scrotum of its sacred purpose to sag them away. Aborting the sperm before it has a chance to be born. Or... meiosis-ed. or whatever.

And I know, some studies find no link. But who made those studies? Those scientists are clearly being paid off by big pharma via the fertility industrial complex wing, the Tighty-Whitey underpants cartel, and foreign adversaries who seek to defeat us by outbreeding us, all to corruptly spread disinformation and lies so that we do not learn the truth. A simple truth. The fact that our balls must be set free.

When I was a teenager, in the locker room at school, we gave each other crap for wearing boxers. We would always say you need to wear something supportive, or you’ll have saggy old man balls when you grow up. That when a man who wears boxers gets old, his balls sag into the toilet water when he takes a crap.

Well, now we’re all old. And our balls hit the water. And as were constantly reminded by our unafraid commentators, our sperm counts are dismally dropping.

Male potency is dropping faster than Biden's approval ratings

And I have to wonder, have our scrotums been enlarging themselves, our whole lives, in a desperate plot to keep our swimmer factories from overheating? Struggling in a futile gesture to get our balls to fall away, only to be foiled by our damned supportive undergarments? Was that stupid saggy balls rumor another part of the fertility industrial complex’s plan to make us nearly-impotent, so we must buy their cures?~

And it’s not like briefs are comfortable either. Nobody likes wearing them. They make our balls hot and sticky with sweat, again because they are an affront against God and nature.

And they lead us to anger the people around us. Manspreading, as the feminists call it, is not an assertion of dominance. It’s not a vulgar primitive way of flashing our junk at prospective mates. It is a desperate futile attempt at cooling a pair of testicles wrongly imprisoned in a hotbox from hell.

So please, Robert Kennedy, If you care about men’s reproductive health, free the testicles. Ban briefs.~